I've always wanted to do a "It Gets Better" message. I was just never sure how to begin. But this morning,I woke up... in my longtime boyLovey's bed... thinking of the word autocracy. Yeah, who knows why, but I did. This made made want to roll it around (since said boyLovey was already up and gone to the fields of gold, as I like to call them. Hey, they grow golden wheat, beans and corn and his work out there brings home gold that buys food and AIR CONDITIONING. Anyway, he wasn't there to roll around with ;), so...) saying it over and over again in funny little voices. You know like, auTAWKricy... autOcrazy... aU-TO-cra-CEEEEEEE... Don't lie, you know you do it too. ;)
Of course this got me thinking about other "starts with au words"...autograph, autonomy, autumnal, autobiographical, Augmentin, August...my baby will be one in August, must buy more Winnie the Pooh stuff...auto writing, autoimmunity...it went on for a while...then it devolved into just the syllable "AU"... awwwwwwwwwww... and then, (probably because of the boyLovey and the fields of gold)... it turned into "Au"... the symbol...for.... GOLD...(insert a heavenly host singing "Auhhhhhhhhhh"...yes you have to imagine it with the "au" sound or it isn't as fun... really... ;)...)
And that's when it came to me. The THING I want to tell you.
You know a lot of people, really good, earnest, loving, people have put the I.G.B. message out there... And I know they mean really well, but the thing is, when you're living it, IT'S REALLY HARD TO BELIEVE.
Sure, I told you I sleep with my boyLovey. I kinda have to, we're married. It's part of the vows. But the truth is, I don't identify as straight. And yeah, if family members and friends in my ultra-conservative community happen to be reading this, I MIGHT HAVE JUST COME OUT...lol, if I did and you are really that shocked, get your big girl panties on... I would say I identify as pansexual. I have had some wicked crushes on boys and girls. I've had long term relationships with several people... Oh wait, YOU WANT TO KNOW IF THEY WERE MEN OR WOMEN, DON'T YOU????
Well.. that's private. And I feel all personal relationships should be that way unless you feel like sharing. What's more, no one should be judging you by whose hand you are holding as you walk down the street.
It is getting better, Young Lovers. Slowly but surely. When I was in school less than 20 years ago, if someone came on to someone of the opposite sex, it meant a beating...or worse...let's don't relive those days here on this blog...I know these things DO STILL happen, but I have hope. My straight, 15 year old son told me the other day that he gets come-on's from other guys quite frequently even though he has been dating a really pretty girl for a couple of years now. He's not at all fazed by this attention. In fact, he's flattered. And when I asked him how he responds to guys who want to go out with him, he told me, "I just go all Zohan and say, 'Oh, I'm only interested in the ladies, but thank you anyway!'" Now there's progress...and I hope good parenting...I was lucky enough to have accepting parents who just wanted me to grow up healthy and do good things. But if you aren't that lucky, you can still do a good job of raising your own soul to a loving mature being.
It gets better the older you get and the more you get to know yourself and decide what it is that you really want in life. I can definitely say that on the other side of 20 years. But it will take a lot of hard work, patience and LOVE for yourself and others.
But you must remember YOU ARE WORTH IT. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. YOU ARE GOLDEN. You must always tell yourself this. Whether you believe in a man in the sky who knit you together with love and wrote all your days in a big book of Life, or you believe the whole thing just banged one day, you gotta know that was a lot of patience and love, or one helluva bang to make something so intricate, and beautiful as your body, your soul, your whole being.... like *whispers with the heaving sigh of the Universe breathing life into the world*...G-OOOOOOOOOO-LD. You must not let this world destroy you. Be malleable, of course. It's the only way to grow and mature and have compassion. But do not let your preciousness be destroyed. You're gold, so it's simply not allowed. <3 FROM ME2U LOVE, RALEY BLUE <3
