OCTOPUS’S GARDEN (Part 2 Like Dynamite)
by Aurelia Blue
"Tally? Hey Tally! Wake up!
I open my eyes to a totals groovy and very concerned looking atheist boy.
"Wh- " I rub the back of my head which is paining and knotty. "What happened?"
"I think you fainted."
Oh, I didn't! But one look at the pants and I'm on again with the wooziness and flushing. I feel my eyes beginning to roll back... oh wait, a cool hand strokes my temple and the fog clears. But my heart does double time as I realize that hand is attached to Sam, the mega sexy atheist camp counselor!
"Bloody hell, Sam!" I sit up gasping and trying to steady myself. He has to help. (Ooh, more sparks!) "What happened to you? The bloody unicorn didn't gore you, then, did it!"
I've completely forgotten my sexy voice and am screeching along in my naturally high pitched, tinkles like a bell voice. Which at this decibel, sounds like a bat on crack cocaine.
"Unicorn?" His voice is all steady like his hands as he helps me to my feet. "Wow, Tally, you really hit your head hard."
I dare a furtive glance at his lower half. At the oozy looking hole in his pants leg that is caked with blood. He's obvs been attacked to make a hole like that!
"What was it then? A bullet? Not leeches!" I feel the thickness coming back into my head. Damn it, I never survive that scene in Stand By Me.
"No, no," Sam says calmly, "It's not really blood. It's just special effects makeup."
"What?"
"You see we had a film party last night and we let the kids dress up and mess around with props and makeup. And well, my group is the Twelves and they, being mostly normal twelve-year-olds, managed to smuggle some of this stuff back to our cabin. Of course they were all riled up with excitement and wouldn't settle down for hours and I dozed off still in my uniform and that's when they got me."
"They stabbed you?"
Sam gives a mirthful little chuckle. "Wow, you're a really anxious girl, Tally. But no, they didn't stab me, just did me up with a fake bullet hole."
It's Tallurah, and why in blazes would they do that?" I am sitting on the counter now with my head in my hands. I pause to wonder if I shouldn't just faint again because I know I'm being a totals idiot sitting here. This is really not sexy. I look up again but catch a glimpse of the ooziness of the wound through his kaki shorts.
"Whoa," Sam says steadying me again. "Why do kids do anything? They're just kids. But my uniform is clearly ruined, and I believe your dad keeps a supply here at his store?"
"What? Yes. We're a distributor for most of the camps 'round here," I say with my voice tinkling on. It sounds more like a badger with his nads caught in a wood jam now.
"Calm down, Tally. I'm not hurt and this isn't real blood."
"No?" I say now as I take a really deep breath and look at his pants again. They still look pretty wretched but I can see now that the ooze does actually look more like corn starch than actual guts.
"No," Sam says all reassuringly. "Now about those replacements?"
"Right," I say as calmly as I can, and trying desperately to get my sexy voice back. It comes out like a bleating deer with it's hooves through your windshield. Bugger. "Right, your replacements. Yes, we keep them up in the attic. I'll just be a minute," I say stumbling on my feet toward the back stairs.
"Take your time," says my gorgey atheist counselor boy with a broad smile, with a little cas' shrug and a hint of a wink. God, he's hot.
And it's hot on the stairs too as I ascend into the storehouse above. The rising heat seems to have to taken up residence with Purvis up here.
I find Purvis and Matt sitting at a makeshift table fashioned from a huge wooden spool left over from some sort of industrial wire. They are chatting contentedly over a game of checkers.
"Oh, hey, ho," Purvis says congenially.
"Hi, Lurrie," says Matt.
"Hello, Mathew," I answer, and then acknowledging Purvis with a little nod in his general direction, "Skank."
"Whoa-O," says Purvis, "watch it with the names, beyotch."
"Yes, well who called whom, ‘ho‘, slutszoid? Huh?" Really, he does so torment me.
"Hey, now," Matt says, "easy, Lurrie, that's my sweetie you're talking about." He pats my hand and then takes Purvis's. "Play nice, Faeries. Uncle Matty doesn't want to have to go home. Again."
"No! Don't go, love," Purvis implores Matt. "Lurrie, you misunderstood. I was just saying hellos. You know, like, 'oh, hey-o?' Not the other one," he finishes with a subtle little raise of his eyebrow that only I catch. "Why, what did you think I meant?"
Oh, how I hate him.
Sighing, I say, "No, please don't trouble yourself, Mathew. I didn't come up here to break up your little game of Wanker, Wanker, Arsehat. No, I really have much more pressing business to attend to." I sigh again and head back amongst the stock boxes, searching out the ones that contain camp uniforms.
"Wanker, Wanker, Arsehat?" Purvis asks aloud as Matt questions with a raise of his eyebrow.
"Yes, you know," I say locating the box and rifling through it, "like Duck, Duck, Goose, but only with a couple of wankers, and well," I glance dismissively at Purvis, "an arsehat."
"I say!" Purvis is on his feet, indignant.
"Now, now," Matt says taking his arm firmly, trying to force him to sit back down, "she's just trying to get a rise out of you, hon. You know how she is." He says all soothingly. "Rise above it," he adds still stroking Purvis's arm. "I'm sure she's just having fun, Lurrie loves you, she's family, isn't that right?" He reaches out to me with his other hand. "Come, Lurrie, join our game?"
Honestly, Matt is so nice, it is truly disgusting. He's always trying to make peace. He's a brilliant Sociology major over at Hope College, and with his big blue eyes, blonde hair and soft Alabama accent, all the girls 'round town swoon over him. Guys too. He revolts me with his adorablescency, though. Always sticking up for bloody Purvis, while trying to butter me up.
"No, thank you," I retort, "I have a shop to mind. I really don't have time for games today."
"Oh sit, Lurrie, just for a minute," Matt replies. "The store will be OK for a few minutes. 'Sides you'll hear the bell if anyone comes in. Be sociable. You'll be a senior in the fall, now's a good time to start learning how to interact with adults," he says all fatherly.
"Heavens sake, you two are only one year into university, hardly adults! And as for me, I do in fact have a customer waiting downstairs. A mature gentleman one at that!" I whirl
on my heel toward the stairs, but not before Purvis leaps at me grabbing the uniforms from under my arm.
"Wait, wait," he says inspecting them, "Oi, these are for the atheist camp! Is it him then?"
"I wouldn't know whom you mean in the slightest," I answer sniffing my nose up and holding my hand out expectantly.
Purvis hugs the clothes tighter to his chest, "You do too, know! Gorgey Admiral Atheist, hiself, isn't it! Oh, I want to see him for meself!" He hops over his chair charging past me for the stairs.
I jump after him grabbing at his shirttail only to find Matt's hands clamping around my waist thoroughly immobilizing me.
"Go on, Pur! I've got her!" He shouts after Purvis as I struggle.
Purvis gives a yelpy, "Yippee," as he bounds down the stairs.
"Dammit, Matt! Let me go!"
"No," he says patiently as I struggle against him, "now settle down, Lurrie, I'm on your side, you know."
"Rubbish and bollocks," I yell, "The only side you're ever on is Purvis's!"
"Not true, sweetheart. Not at all. I'm helping you. You know Pur isn't going sit by quietly, so we'll just let him have his fun for a second, then we'll come in and you'll introduce us and get on with," he furrows his brow at me and winks, "whatever it was you were up too. And I'll do PDC duty."
"What's PDC?" I ask mid struggle.
"Purvis Damage Control." He smiles knowingly.
" Oh God," I say going limp, "let's go!"
He turns me loose and genteelly catches me up by the hand. "Gently, gracefully, now, don't want to startle off the nice atheist."
We waltz down the stairs as if it's everyday normal, only to be startled ourselves by a gigantuous crash and the not unsexy, if urgent, moans of a surprised atheist boy! I shrug off Matt and break into a full run, determined to kill Purvis for whatever he's done or might be doing to my gorgey man of the hour.
Has he no restraint or respect for me, his own flesh and blood? He knows that's my man!
I come up short as I nearly run into a motionless Purvis who is staring on in disbelief as a very disheveled Sam is shoving up off the floor dragging with him an even more disheveled Tirzah! She is patting her bosoms back down into a little green top that would make even Tinkerbelle blush.
"Tirzah! What are you doing here?" I'm back to the badger shriek.
"Oh, hi, Tallurah," she says looking surprised to see me. "I just came over to see if you wanted to go for a swim with me when you get off work, and then I met Sam here and I was just so surprised to see his horrific wound that I stumbled a little and tripped right into him, and quite lost me girls in the process. I'm so embarrassed, really!"
A quick glance at Sam confirms his embarrassment as well, as he is now carefully averting his eyes away from Tirzah's upper torso reconfigurement. A slight blush coloring high into his cheekbones. I glare directly at her.
She shoots back a sly little smile and gives me the double wink, to show she's on a mission with a plan and to not be alarmed. But I'm too annoyed to care. How dare she? Really!
It's Purvis who breaks the awkward silence.
"Well alright then, Sam is it? Hello," he says offering his hand to Sam who takes it cordially. " I'm Purvis, senior store clerk, and manager of wardrobes, Tallurah here, says you're in the market for a new pair of kakis?"
"Um yes," Sam answers smiling pleasantly at Purvis. Tirzah shoots me a quick glance, her eyebrows arching like question marks.
"Very good," Purvis says holding up a pair of new shorts. "you can just hop back into our storeroom behind the counter and slip into these. If they don't fit absolutely perfectly, it's alright, because I am also a consummate tailor. You are in good hands here at Octopus's Garden."
"Um, okay," Sam says with a genuinely good natured smile and tone, as he quickly disappears into the backroom.
"Tailor, my arse," I hiss under my breath.
"Shh. Don't want him to hear you," Purvis trills back under his breath all singsongy.
Sam returns in a mere minute all outfitted in the new pants. And may I add, filling them out perfectly. He casually dumps his old pair into the bin by the counter.
"Don't need these anymore," he says, "and looks like we have a perfect fit, thanks, Purvis."
"Oh my pleasure," Purvis says in his most sexy voice, "And here I have two more pairs and an extra set of polo shirts emblazoned with your organization's name," he tots them all out on the counter in front of Sam, "That is, if you are interested. Oh and this," he looks quizzically at a behemothly long cranberry and taupe stripety woolen scarf that he still holds in his hands.
Bloody hell, I must have inadvertently grabbed one of the ski camper unies!
But Purvis is unfazed, as he whips the scarf up over Sam's head and looping it three times around his neck. He finishes with a flourish and pats it against Sam's chest. "There we go, all set. We can ring you up now, if you're ready."
I shoot Matt an oh no look, and he gracefully steps in.
"Uh, Pur? This is really, Lurrie's sale, perhaps we should let her finish up? Besides, I still want to have time to demolish you at our game of checkers before you have to start your regular shift." He pats Purvis's shoulder and much to my relief, Purvis seems to melt into the touch and remember who his boyfriend is.
"Oh, yes, yes! We should away, Matt, my dear. Plus, we certainly want to get in a round or two of Wanker, Wanker, Arsehat now too, don't we," he says sweetly, beginning to sweep along toward the stairs and causing me to cringe inwardly.
"Lovely to have met you, Sam, don’t' be a stranger now!" He smiles cordially again at Sam, who returns an equally friendly and polite smile.
"Very nice to have met you too, Purvis. Thanks again. And you, too?" He says now looking to Matt.
"Oh, yes, I'm Matt, associate to Mr. Purvis," Matt drawls as he shakes Sam's hand, quickly unlooping the scarf and leaving it just resting over Sam's shoulders, "delighted of course to make your acquaintance. Y'all have a nice day, then." And he too is gone in a flourish up the stairs.
I give a quick skip behind the counter and begin to total up his purchases.
"Right then, do you want all three shorts and the polos as well?"
"Yes," Sam says with a warm smile, "I think I do. And this too, of course," he takes one end of the scarf and whips it around his neck, letting the end slide gently over his opposite shoulder. He glances into a mirror set up on the counter. "Yes, that's good, I like that." He smiles again and winks right at me!
Tirzah on the other hand, shoots me a knowing aha kind of look from her post by the tourist tee shirt table. I glare at her again and she just shrugs.
"Well," says Sam as he tucks his change into the pocket of his new shorts, "Thanks for everything, Tally. I appreciate it." He takes my hand in his when he says it and electricity shoots through my entire arm and straight into my brain!
"Pleasure," I say now in a deep lingering voice, not at all sure whether I'm making polite conversation or a statement regarding my physicality.
And he is gone. Bags looped around one wrist and bike lock around the other as he pedals off.
"Oh, Tirzah!" I screech in windshield deer bravado. "What were you doing?"
"Calm down, Tallurah, I was just doing a little recognizance for you." She flounces to the counter and plops down on it, her little chiffon skirt flouncing out around her demurely.
"With your breasts?" I snort indignantly.
"Well, not intentionally," she says looking kinda hurt. "Well mostly not, anyway."
"Mostly not? Looked to me like it was all intentional. What are you wearing?"
"I just thought we could sort the sexuality question out right quick and then you could know whether or not it was you he's not into, or just girls he's into, that's all," she pouts.
"Well?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Not a glance. And not a twitch."
"Twitch?"
"When I fell on him. Nothing. Flat as a pancake."
"Well, what else would you expect? He was completely waylaid by you literally flopping on top of him," I snark at her, not bothering to cover my annoyance.
"Well, truthfully I was hoping, for your sake," she says looking at me pointedly, "that I'd feel just a little more wood than the planks of the floor." A high blush deepens across her cheeks.
"God, you didn't!"
"No, I didn't. Nothing. I'm sorry. And you saw how well he interacted with Pur and Matt. Really Tallurah, I think you may have to just let this one go." She squeezes my hand sympathetically.
"Well," I splutter, "Maybe he's just a gentleman. Yes, that would explain all of it. He was a guest in our store, and you were obvs my mate that he wouldn't want to treat pervily. And Purvis, obvs my relation, he was just being mannerly. That doesn't make him an automatic homosexual. Really, Tirzah!"
"No, no, of course not," Tirzah soothes. "You're absolutely right. We simply need more recognizance before we make up our minds, that's all." She rubs my arm comfortingly.
"How'd you recommend we go about that?"
"We have to go to his place."
"The bloody atheist camp?"
"Well, 'course. It's where he lives."
"And under what pretense?"
"Wanker!" We hear Purvis shouting and shuffling across the upstairs floor.
"Unicorn hunting, 'course," Tirzah states matter of factly.
"Say what, now?" I am truly baffled by her sometimes.
"Well it's not like you and I haven't got vast experience in trapping them."
"But Matt says it's allegorical or something. Maybe not even real."
"Arsehat!" Matt's voice rings out overhead, followed by a shriek from Purvis and tons of giggles.
"Maybe not," Tirzah says winking as we both glance up overhead, "but maybe so. And just think, if we catch it and present it to the camp, just how impressed your Sam might be!"
I have to admit this just might be a totals brill idea after all.
"Blimey, Tirzah, you do beat all, but how will we do it?"
"Tonight, after dark. We'll sneak in. That way if we don't catch it tonight, we can go back again, and no one will be the wiser."
"Stealth mission then?"
"Yes, just you and me, Tirzah and Tallurah, T 'N' T. Just like dynamite!"
Yes, just like dynamite and doubles the crazy. But what else?
